Bullying: signs + what to do

Most children will experience some form of bullying during their school years. Most will move through it without lasting harm. A minority will not, and the difference is usually the adults — who notices, how early, and how effectively the response is run. This is a practical parent guide to both.

What counts as bullying

The Australian definition, used across the federal Bullying. No Way! framework and adopted by state education departments, has three parts: a deliberate misuse of power, repeated over time, causing harm. That harm can be physical, social, or psychological.

• Physical bullying — hitting, kicking, pushing, damaging belongings.
• Verbal bullying — name-calling, threats, insults.
• Social (relational) bullying — exclusion, rumour-spreading, public humiliation, friendship weaponisation.
• Cyberbullying — repeated harmful contact through devices: group chats, social platforms, gaming, image-sharing.

One-off conflict is not bullying. A single argument between peers, even a heated one, does not meet the threshold. The repetition, the power imbalance, and the intent together do.

Signs your child may be being bullied

Children tell the body before they tell the story. Changes you might notice:

• Reluctance or refusal to go to school, particularly escalating on Sunday nights and Monday mornings.
• Stomach aches, headaches, trouble sleeping — psychosomatic signs are often the first.
• Changes in appetite, in either direction.
• Belongings coming home damaged, lost, or missing without explanation.
• A sudden change in friendship group or a child who will not name who they spent lunch with.
• Unexpected dips in schoolwork or participation, particularly in specific subjects (which may map to where the bullying is happening).
• Withdrawal, irritability, or emotional volatility at home.
• Heightened online activity followed by distress — or in cyberbullying: a sudden desire to delete accounts, hide the phone, or go quiet on a platform they used to love.

Starting the conversation

Do not lead with 'are you being bullied?' — it is a loaded word. Lead with curiosity and specifics.

• 'How has school been lately? What's the best part of the day? What's the worst?'
• 'Who did you sit with at lunch today?'
• 'What happens on the way to maths?'
• 'Is there anyone who is unkind to you or to others in your class?'

If they open up, your job in the first conversation is to listen, not to problem-solve. Children who tell a parent about bullying and are met with an immediate action plan often regret the disclosure. You want them to come back tomorrow.

The school pathway

1. 1Document first. Write down dates, incidents, who was involved, what was said. Keep screenshots. This will matter if the situation escalates.
2. 2Request a meeting with the classroom teacher. Frame it as 'I want to share what we are seeing at home and understand what you are seeing.' Avoid adversarial posture at this stage — most teachers are allies, but the posture shapes the response.
3. 3Ask for the school's anti-bullying policy in writing. Every Australian school is required to have one. It should specify the investigation and response timeline.
4. 4If the classroom response is insufficient or does not produce change within two weeks, escalate to the year-level coordinator or head of wellbeing, then deputy principal, then principal.
5. 5If the principal-level response is insufficient, escalate to the relevant state education department complaints process (or the diocesan / regional office for Catholic / independent schools). Put the complaint in writing.

When to involve police or eSafety

• Physical assault causing injury.
• Threats of serious harm.
• Any sexualised bullying — including unwanted image sharing or requests.
• Image-based abuse (nude or intimate images shared without consent). The eSafety Commissioner can action removal at esafety.gov.au.
• Ongoing cyberbullying where the school response has failed. eSafety has a formal cyberbullying complaint scheme for under-18s.

What tends to help your child, at home

1. 1Regulate your own reaction first. A visibly distressed parent pushes the child into managing the parent, which extends the secret-keeping.
2. 2Reinforce identity outside the peer group. Sport, music, family, cousins, extended community. The narrower the child's world, the bigger the bully's footprint.
3. 3Coach scripts for the moments rather than the relationship. 'Stop. I don't like that.' Walk away. Repeated, in the mirror, until it feels automatic.
4. 4Protect sleep. Bullying and sleep deprivation combine in a particularly corrosive way. Do what you need to do to make bedtime a sanctuary.
5. 5Consider a psychologist if the child is showing signs of sustained distress. A GP Mental Health Care Plan covers six sessions. It helps a lot of children — not every child needs it.

The outcome for most bullied children, with a good adult response, is good. The outcome for children whose distress is dismissed or minimised is worse, and sometimes durably worse. Believe them early. Document. Escalate if needed. And make the home the place where they do not have to manage anyone else's feelings.